Carrying my father's hidden fears.
View in browser Bullies and Dictators LEARN how to GET us to Feel their Hidden Fears. Sherry@theresnobodytoblame Jul 1 ∙ READ IN APP Of course, yes, many of us ar
Bullies and Dictators LEARN how to GET us to Feel their Hidden Fears.
Jul 1
∙
READ IN APP
Of course, yes, many of us are having fears triggered right now. Our brains are wired for threat, to feel fear, the emotional part of the brain, that is, where we learn survival and to evolve as a species. As humans we do not have the executive function (Pre-frontal cortex) on-line until we are around 5-7 years old. Before then, we are reacting. Thank goodness we can.
For me, I grew up in a continuously threatening environment, which featured abandonment, neglect, physical and verbal rage. The little kid in me figured out, “I must never ask the dragon/father a question to seek clarification”. Instead, I learned to people-please and not give a hint of disagreement. By the time I left home at 18 I had adapted into an emotionally wounded child in an adult body. I sought love, acceptance, and a sense of fitting in, by shutting down my own thoughts and feelings. Keeping my wounded child protected…or at least I that’s what I learned.
Since the 2016 election, I have felt that wounded little girl again. Wow, does she ever get activated. I want to run and hide. Fortunately, when I left home, I got some help from people who taught me how to reparent myself when I would collapse into my fear body. I learned how to reparent all the made-up stories I told myself about what would happen that kept me in fear and inaction. I remembered to connect with the sensations of fear (the wounded parts) and let that little girl know she will be okay and that I (the adult) will get her through this.
Here I am, at 75 years old, needing to keep remembering to connect with the sensations of fear, validate them, breathe and hold that little wounded girl’s hand. Then ask, once I feel calmer, “What action feels okay to take now?” Then I do my best, with mercy, to move into action as an adult and show my wounded child how to take one action at a time.
I came to understand my father was filled with buried unconscious fear, shame and guilt that did not belong to him. He was carrying the multi-generational pain he never learned how to heal or feel. So, he adapted and learned to pass the pain on to me as his father did before him. And so it goes. I began to say to myself, “If I want to blame someone, go back to Adam and Eve”, (and maybe let’s stop blaming Eve, too).
I have realized this a continual journey, that life happens FOR me not TO me. But the fear mind keeps trying to take over.
Fifteen years before my father passed away, I was no longer terrified of him. I was able to tolerate the fear of me saying NO to him without feeling threatened. And to my surprise so was he. The first time I set a boundary with him he told me, “I learned it’s okay to be mad at someone and still love them”. Our lives were changed forever after that experience. Love and respect bloomed.
Also, since the election, I feel the unhealed wounds inside me get triggered and now validate them,(usually in my gut) I pause and try to let go of the old stories, hold onto the little wounded girl and build our trust together. I take actions that we both can handle.
Let us not allow the fear thoughts/stories in the mind take over our collective experience. Let us challenge the thoughts with mercy and grace. Let us move through the sensations of fear. Let us focus on what we want. Thank you for listening. Do what you are able and be kind to the self and others.
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